I had left Ar in the guise of a man two nights before I came upon the man in his camp late at night. So far my guise is safe, but I think he has become suspicious of my gender as well as my intentions of being there. The man's name is Edhrahil... its a name that reminds me of home. The highlands of Scotland. Lord how I wish I could just find a slaver with a vessel to take me home. It is so hard to wander and pretend. I can not be a free woman in the sence of veils and robes and propriety forever.. It's just against all I have been taught since I was brought here. The man has said we, being those in his camp, should bathe less we attrack sleen or thalarion. I am writing in my book until the others return so I can bathe alone and keep my tidbits out of the view of prying eyes. It seams however this gentleman does not think it prudent that I bathe alone... there has to be some way I can convince him otherwise.

     I still feel him sometimes when I am lingering between sleep and awake. He speaks to me in soft whispers and I can't help but cry. I need a Master like him. It has been so long since I have known the hand of a stern Master like him. I know now it is true. Once you are a slave... being free is never easy. You have known passion and love like no other... and I think even if in your freedom you take a companion... you long to be his slave. I dont know... I just miss him some much it kills me. I'd like to think that its true.. that when  he died he went to heaven.. not some dusty city... and then when I pass... I will see him in the light... I need to be owned....

He's DEAD! DEAD DEAD he has died dead gone My Master is dead.. I am free... I wish I was dead... dead... someone kill me. Please!!!

Devistated.

     He was nearly killed. I was not informed of said near death experience until he had already come out of his coma... by a small blonde slave none the less. No one in the house, or his grandson, or that woman who hangs all over him like a stubborn booger or anyone told me. I was worried about him.. I thought he left town without telling me again. I am just a slave afterall.... but I am HIS slave. I dont think he and I will ever get back what we had in the past. I do not think he loves me like he used to. He never calls me to his side, he doesnt have me serve his parties or his private meals.. I am just sent out every morning with a coin box when I am not helping his daughter with Tower Slave like duties. I miss him, my Master. I hear he is getting better every day and soon he will be up and about again... but until then I do not know what to do with myself. Perhaps he is going to sell me. I hope not.. but then again why should I stay if he does not want me?

Faith once more.

     I was in my kennel, nursing some bruises when the kennel Master came to me and told me to gather my belongings. I had no idea what was happening at the time, but I knew I was not going to return. So in a small bag I placed my old camisk, my journal and the pearl handled brush, placed it on my shoulder and stood aside while my hands were bound and I was walked out of the city kennels. Apparently I had been purchased. I had no idea by whom. Soon we came to an Inn near a clinic in the city. I was led inside and told to kneel there near the fire until the one whom summoned me could claim me. The kennel Master went about his business ordering paga and getting completely inebriated and after many hours I finally knew why I was there. Tarm. He came from a room upstairs with the healer woman from the arena and with a handful of my hair in hand walked me from the inn. I have never been so happy in all of my life. Well that's a lie. I was this happy when he came to Tarnburg and took me from Seti's inn after leaving me there scared and defeated. I love him you know, and though I think he would never admit it in public... he loves me too. I do not know what my purpose in his house will be this time, but I am soo happy that I am his again. I will strive to keep in his favor, I do not wish to be sold or abandoned again...

The world keeps on turnin' ....

     I had a dream last night about a memory of my da on earth in my dream he told me I was destined for better things then the convent and that I was much to pretty to go to seminary school and later to devote my life to serving a God he never believed in. That was the night I was taken. I was still wearing the silken gown my mother had made me for that graduation party when I awoke on the side of a mountain in the arms of a rather large brutish man, my arms bound behind my back with binding fiber. I suppose my Da was right. I was destined for different albiet not nessesarily better things. I served and believed in a God I could not see. I loved him blindly like a fool. I was a fool for God. Now soo many years later I am like that for my former Master Tarm of Ar. I worshipped him like a God. I followed all of his rules to secure my salvation and my place in his heaven. I have not seen him in soo long. I feel like I am back on earth serving my God. I remember a verse from my bible. It was the Book of John 5:23. It said.. " all men shall honor the Son just as they Honor the Father. He whom does not honor the Son does not honor the father who has sent Him." I feel that way about Tarm. If I serve those who are not him with his honor in mind then all of those years in his collar and all the money he spent training me is not in vain. I miss him. I hear he is going to be companioned again. I wish him, and his woman luck. If only I could see him. He is like my ever faithful and distance God on earth. I wonder if men will right books about him when he dies like they did for Jesus...