slavery

     The night of the play, more then ever I feel I am in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, with the wrong people. I think.. after 20 years of loving slavery to one God on earth and then 30 years of living in slavery to another God here on Gor... I am nothing but a slave within the deepest ressesses of my soul. When my Gorean Master died a part of me died with him. I think it was worse for me in the fact that when he died... he freed me from my slavery. I have never known any other way of life here on Gor.. and it was a cruel thing his freeing me. His grandson gave me a small sum of coin and told me I was allowed to stay at the villa... but what good does that do for me now? His sister Chloe got herself into a crap load of debt and now the vineyard and villa are no longer mine to stay in. He left me to fend for myself, on a planet I have no idea how to do that in. Dont get me wrong, after thirty years I know how a Free Woman is supposed to act.. but it is not in my nature.. and having come from earth where people are so much different.. I do not care how long you have been here on Gor... somethings will never make sence. I was in the arena with Naka now called New Meat by her Master the other night before the play... When the Story teller came to the arena.. she followed him and took her seat at his side. I suppose I was a little boisterous with him and the Poet because the fisherman took my veils and tossed them to the floor. We all know what was about to happen.. and I for some stupid reason refused to kneel naked at his feet. Perhaps it is fear.. lord knows I often am silently begging slavery in some way. I just wish I had the gonads to throw myself at someone's feet and be done with it. With my freedom I am bound... in slavery I was always free... I wish someone would set me free... I am affraid to do it on my own.

    I returned to Ar a few nights after I ran into the man camped in the woods. After he told me he knew of my past and gave me the option to submit or run I bailed in a heart beat. The man was large and stern .. if I had submitted... he would of truly mastered me.. and at the time I was very affraid he might. I am so unsure of my freedom as of late. It is so hard to maintain the right behaviors when you know the freedoms of bondage.. its very strange. Sometimes I think if I just tossed myself at the feet of one of my peers, they just may accept my submission and I would be able to be free... but if I was denied I could be killed and I kind of like it here sooo... I need to go take care of some buiness for a client.. so I will write again another time....