Blue paint... and BlueBells.

   I went to the market this evening to pay my rent and the broker made mention that the fire headed fishmonger was seen in Ar. I do hope he does not come and evict me from the apartment already... I have done so much to make it like home. I just painted the oposite wall from the yellow one a almost lavender blue to give the room more of a sunlight and sky kind of look. The blue and yello wlook good together. WHite is sooo sterile... like a hospital.. in a rual jungle village in Guatamala I once nursed at when I was about to join the nunnery... Anyway... very pretty. I suppose once the buds that will soon become flowers bloom they will look nice against the wall on the small table I purchased in a vase. The place is so girly.. even with all these slave rings all over the place. I had a dream the third day I was here that I was chained there whilst sleeping... I woke up in a sweat. How scary that could be. Anyway.. more painting and shopping. I wonder what it would be like to be chained here in my little apartment... Uuggh it gives me the shivers just thinking about it. Perhaps if I see Naka and the fishmonger.. I will ask her when the fishmonger is not looking...

Girlie wiles

     The apartment is looking more and more like home, and I can tell you that living in such a place, and being who I am makes life interesting. Who would of thought, like I said before, that a former Earth Girl who was destined for the Nunnery, aquitized to Gor and enslaved, forced into freedom and left to her own devices would be living in the district of the central cylinder in Ar. I painted one wall in the main room a soft yellow hue to better reflect the sun when it comes through the window and liven up the place a bit. I was sure to pay the rent first to make sure it was out of the way. I do not need the fishmonger to come back when he chooses to do so and find the apartment redone, but no rent paid. The yellow wall was added, and so too was my flower box. The plants are germinating and small sprouts have come through the top soil. I wonder how much longer until I have pretty flowers to place in vases around the place. I wish they had star gazers on Gor. The smell alone from one flower is enough to fill a whole room with its lovely scent. I need now to go to the market... after all this work... Im hungry. I will write more as I renovate.

Flowers

     I am not  born Gorean, and in all these years of having been brought here... I only knew the name of one flower.. and that was the talander. So when I went to pick the seeds of flowers this afternoon.. I was clueless as to what ones I liked by name. Some flowers that are indiginous to Gor are the same as certain flowers on earth. So in my own rekoning.. I planted some 4 O'clocks, Blue Bonnets, Marigolds, and Poppys in my window box. I would never claim to be a carpenter by any means but growing up on that farm in Ireland I did learn a little bit about swining a hammer. So outside of my rented kitchen window now hangs a wooden box full of dirt and seeds awaiting the suns rays to help in the germination of some pretty little flowers. As a slave I knew only two things. You slice open a larma or wear a talander in your hair if you wanna get laid by your Master... I wonder what the names and purposes of these flowers are. I wish I had friends that I could ask these simple questions without seeming " Barbarian " or " Ignorant " Anyway... Im looking forward to them... I think the white paint can use a little color. I hope the fishmonger doesnt mind I placed the flower box outside his window.

Open windows.

     I am pretty excited. I have recently made an agreement with the fish monger to rent the apartments that him and Naka shared in the district of the Central Cylinder here in Ar. Can you believe me... living in the district of the Central Cylider? In Ar..? IN such a grand apartment.. with so many slave rings... hmm. Anyway... the price is good for this area. I pay two silver a hand and it is my responsibility to over see repairs if they are needed. So far so good. Who would of ever thought a freed barbarian slave girl would be living in this neck of the woods.. I will write more later... I have some flowers to pick and plant in the window box I built.

     Seams Naka and Phi went on their trip afterall. I wish my friend would of let me know they were leaving so I could of said goodbye. It seams the more I try and have friends and a life the more it slips away. I hardly leave my rooms at the Inn any longer.. seams everytime I do I get assulted verbally or otherwise by someone accusing me of being a slave. Well I am a slave... in a free woman's clothing somewhere in my heart... I just down know how to go about setting myself free of my forced "freedoms" I miss Tarm. I wish that he had not died. Things would be so much easier if he had not. I wonder if the poet could use someone to help him at the Boarding House. I am running out of coin quickly...

trippin

     The one person whom I might consider an friend of mine, who is now slave... is being carted off by her owner on a trip to the Sardars. Im bummin'. I even offered to come along and cook for the fishmonger so I can travel as far as Venna and let them be on their way.. but as always the fishmonger is an ass and told me to get naked and kneel.. or to be quiet.. or some such nonsence. I would like to follow along for the protection it would afford me to Venna.. but I do not think the old fire headed fishmonger will allow it... without a fair trade of robes and veils for the collar of Ar and her kennels.. and some other such nonsence.

   The poet caught me by suprise last evening when we were all at the falls park. He asked me if the fishmonger had made up his mind yet. When I asked him about what.. he said that was all he needed to know. I admit my curriosity is peeked..but I am not one to go asking for answers when it could get me stripped and beaten for no reason. We shall see if it comes up again... then I will ask the poet what the hell he means.  Anyway... the slave is here to clean my room and I need to get out into the city and make some cash. I will write more soon...

slavery

     The night of the play, more then ever I feel I am in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, with the wrong people. I think.. after 20 years of loving slavery to one God on earth and then 30 years of living in slavery to another God here on Gor... I am nothing but a slave within the deepest ressesses of my soul. When my Gorean Master died a part of me died with him. I think it was worse for me in the fact that when he died... he freed me from my slavery. I have never known any other way of life here on Gor.. and it was a cruel thing his freeing me. His grandson gave me a small sum of coin and told me I was allowed to stay at the villa... but what good does that do for me now? His sister Chloe got herself into a crap load of debt and now the vineyard and villa are no longer mine to stay in. He left me to fend for myself, on a planet I have no idea how to do that in. Dont get me wrong, after thirty years I know how a Free Woman is supposed to act.. but it is not in my nature.. and having come from earth where people are so much different.. I do not care how long you have been here on Gor... somethings will never make sence. I was in the arena with Naka now called New Meat by her Master the other night before the play... When the Story teller came to the arena.. she followed him and took her seat at his side. I suppose I was a little boisterous with him and the Poet because the fisherman took my veils and tossed them to the floor. We all know what was about to happen.. and I for some stupid reason refused to kneel naked at his feet. Perhaps it is fear.. lord knows I often am silently begging slavery in some way. I just wish I had the gonads to throw myself at someone's feet and be done with it. With my freedom I am bound... in slavery I was always free... I wish someone would set me free... I am affraid to do it on my own.

    I returned to Ar a few nights after I ran into the man camped in the woods. After he told me he knew of my past and gave me the option to submit or run I bailed in a heart beat. The man was large and stern .. if I had submitted... he would of truly mastered me.. and at the time I was very affraid he might. I am so unsure of my freedom as of late. It is so hard to maintain the right behaviors when you know the freedoms of bondage.. its very strange. Sometimes I think if I just tossed myself at the feet of one of my peers, they just may accept my submission and I would be able to be free... but if I was denied I could be killed and I kind of like it here sooo... I need to go take care of some buiness for a client.. so I will write again another time....