slavery

     The night of the play, more then ever I feel I am in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, with the wrong people. I think.. after 20 years of loving slavery to one God on earth and then 30 years of living in slavery to another God here on Gor... I am nothing but a slave within the deepest ressesses of my soul. When my Gorean Master died a part of me died with him. I think it was worse for me in the fact that when he died... he freed me from my slavery. I have never known any other way of life here on Gor.. and it was a cruel thing his freeing me. His grandson gave me a small sum of coin and told me I was allowed to stay at the villa... but what good does that do for me now? His sister Chloe got herself into a crap load of debt and now the vineyard and villa are no longer mine to stay in. He left me to fend for myself, on a planet I have no idea how to do that in. Dont get me wrong, after thirty years I know how a Free Woman is supposed to act.. but it is not in my nature.. and having come from earth where people are so much different.. I do not care how long you have been here on Gor... somethings will never make sence. I was in the arena with Naka now called New Meat by her Master the other night before the play... When the Story teller came to the arena.. she followed him and took her seat at his side. I suppose I was a little boisterous with him and the Poet because the fisherman took my veils and tossed them to the floor. We all know what was about to happen.. and I for some stupid reason refused to kneel naked at his feet. Perhaps it is fear.. lord knows I often am silently begging slavery in some way. I just wish I had the gonads to throw myself at someone's feet and be done with it. With my freedom I am bound... in slavery I was always free... I wish someone would set me free... I am affraid to do it on my own.

    I returned to Ar a few nights after I ran into the man camped in the woods. After he told me he knew of my past and gave me the option to submit or run I bailed in a heart beat. The man was large and stern .. if I had submitted... he would of truly mastered me.. and at the time I was very affraid he might. I am so unsure of my freedom as of late. It is so hard to maintain the right behaviors when you know the freedoms of bondage.. its very strange. Sometimes I think if I just tossed myself at the feet of one of my peers, they just may accept my submission and I would be able to be free... but if I was denied I could be killed and I kind of like it here sooo... I need to go take care of some buiness for a client.. so I will write again another time....

     I had left Ar in the guise of a man two nights before I came upon the man in his camp late at night. So far my guise is safe, but I think he has become suspicious of my gender as well as my intentions of being there. The man's name is Edhrahil... its a name that reminds me of home. The highlands of Scotland. Lord how I wish I could just find a slaver with a vessel to take me home. It is so hard to wander and pretend. I can not be a free woman in the sence of veils and robes and propriety forever.. It's just against all I have been taught since I was brought here. The man has said we, being those in his camp, should bathe less we attrack sleen or thalarion. I am writing in my book until the others return so I can bathe alone and keep my tidbits out of the view of prying eyes. It seams however this gentleman does not think it prudent that I bathe alone... there has to be some way I can convince him otherwise.

     I still feel him sometimes when I am lingering between sleep and awake. He speaks to me in soft whispers and I can't help but cry. I need a Master like him. It has been so long since I have known the hand of a stern Master like him. I know now it is true. Once you are a slave... being free is never easy. You have known passion and love like no other... and I think even if in your freedom you take a companion... you long to be his slave. I dont know... I just miss him some much it kills me. I'd like to think that its true.. that when  he died he went to heaven.. not some dusty city... and then when I pass... I will see him in the light... I need to be owned....

He's DEAD! DEAD DEAD he has died dead gone My Master is dead.. I am free... I wish I was dead... dead... someone kill me. Please!!!

Devistated.

     He was nearly killed. I was not informed of said near death experience until he had already come out of his coma... by a small blonde slave none the less. No one in the house, or his grandson, or that woman who hangs all over him like a stubborn booger or anyone told me. I was worried about him.. I thought he left town without telling me again. I am just a slave afterall.... but I am HIS slave. I dont think he and I will ever get back what we had in the past. I do not think he loves me like he used to. He never calls me to his side, he doesnt have me serve his parties or his private meals.. I am just sent out every morning with a coin box when I am not helping his daughter with Tower Slave like duties. I miss him, my Master. I hear he is getting better every day and soon he will be up and about again... but until then I do not know what to do with myself. Perhaps he is going to sell me. I hope not.. but then again why should I stay if he does not want me?

Faith once more.

     I was in my kennel, nursing some bruises when the kennel Master came to me and told me to gather my belongings. I had no idea what was happening at the time, but I knew I was not going to return. So in a small bag I placed my old camisk, my journal and the pearl handled brush, placed it on my shoulder and stood aside while my hands were bound and I was walked out of the city kennels. Apparently I had been purchased. I had no idea by whom. Soon we came to an Inn near a clinic in the city. I was led inside and told to kneel there near the fire until the one whom summoned me could claim me. The kennel Master went about his business ordering paga and getting completely inebriated and after many hours I finally knew why I was there. Tarm. He came from a room upstairs with the healer woman from the arena and with a handful of my hair in hand walked me from the inn. I have never been so happy in all of my life. Well that's a lie. I was this happy when he came to Tarnburg and took me from Seti's inn after leaving me there scared and defeated. I love him you know, and though I think he would never admit it in public... he loves me too. I do not know what my purpose in his house will be this time, but I am soo happy that I am his again. I will strive to keep in his favor, I do not wish to be sold or abandoned again...