In knots

I feel violent inside. I want to bash my fists into peoples faces for no reason. I want to kick and scream and scratch my eyes from my face. I dont know where this anger, this rage is coming from but it's horrible. I feel like an abandoned child in a jungle in the Amazon waiting for the missionaries to find me and make me whole. Feed me, give me education, inoculations, and love. I know these things are not something Gorean.. and I know I am just being angry.. but one time.. for five minutes I would love to feel half of what I used to sitting on the Irish coast, Happy and at peace with myself and my world knowing where I was going and why. I would love to feel the of the breeze, the salty air... to know I had a goal.. a mission.. But no. I am here.. under the rule of men, not my God, and I feel after 90 plus years.. that I will never feel that way again. I had it for a time with Tarm. Peace.. Love, focus, a goal.. but he is gone now. I thought I had it when I was free.. feeding children, offering help when I could... taking care of things for people.. learning the ways of warriors and scribes alike. But no.. its not there now.. and I wish I could feel it. In control of myself, controled by a purpose.. by another, a stronger mind then my own to guide me on a path to righteousness... worth, and love. I am torn.. in threes, knotted up in ropes I can not free myself from. Love, Friendship, and Adoration. In that order. What do you choose? Who's path do you place yourself on? How long can it go on before you crack? I sure as shit hope I dont have to find out. He came to the clearing while I was preparing to write this. The Scribe, something happened with Portia that I missed while I was out of the den. I will have to inquire from the dark beauty later..... ( entry ends here because Zeb called her to his feet )